Movie-watching Etiquette

Dear two Chinese men to my left,

Wasn't The Expendables 2 a riot?  I enjoyed the mindlessness of it.  It's the actors poking fun at themselves and their careers.  I like it when people can laugh about what they've done in the past, may it be good or bad.

But you, sirs...

First of all, you smell like feet.  The other guy smells like moth balls.  A little hygiene or cologne would be a huge help.  You come in late at a screening and you had the gall to complain about "these stupid commercials" before the film.  Oh-kay, sir, they are called trailers or previews, if you will.  If you don't want to see this, come 20 minutes after the time in your ticket.  But if you wanted good seats, come early and suck it the fuck up.  Some of us happen to love these trailers and come early specifically for them.

Second, there is a REASON why cinemas air public service announcements after the trailers, before the movie starts.  You know, it used to be Madagascar characters; now, it's Finding Nemo.  Remember the douchebag who had his phone ringing, talking to someone, and using an app on his other phone?  Do you remember what happened to him?  He went and got chomped off by the shark.  That should've been a lesson to you.  Or a reminder, at least.

You two were fucking talking during the first 45 minutes of the movie.  Thank goodness, I didn't have pop corn with me or else I would've chucked the whole thing to your face.  My heart was racing with blind rage because you wouldn't stop talking even after all my throat-clearing, arm rest banging, and shushing.  Don't you guys have any shred of consideration?  I didn't understand shit in your conversations but that does not mean I could not hear it.  That deep rumbling of Mandarin Chinese (the kind of Chinese that I am someone familiar with) while Chuck Norris was doing his thing?  You fucked that all up for me.  I can ignore it enough but it was still distracting.  Also, it seemed to me that guy 1 was fucking translating for guy 2... damn, I don't even want to type the next part out because it'll run me the risk of sounding racist.  (Which I am not, I assure you.  But as said in Avenue Q, "Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes."  So sue me.  Whatever.  I'm pissed.)

If you wanted to go Siskel and Ebert on the movie, do it in the comforts of your own home.  Or up front where there's no one sitting beside and around you.  If I were a different person, I would've gotten you kicked out of the theater.  The dudes seated in front of you were giving you the stink eye but you ignored that too. 

Oh dear movie-going public of that specific theater, you are the worst crowd I've ever been with.  This was not the first time I sat beside horrible movie-goers.  Call it being a bitch but a little consideration goes a long way.  I don't mind the flashing of phones as long as they are silent.  Talking, however... the EXIT sign is in big green flashing letters.

I hope you enjoyed the movie, sirs.

No love,
Me.